Supposed wisdom: My life in the heart of Eastern Europe

GoCar in Barcelona!

2009-12-09T04:29:00.000-08:00

Tiago and I decided that we needed a break from our studies in Budapest and hopped on a plan to Spain. We visited Barcelona and Madrid over the weekend. In Barcelona we rented a GoCar- it is a small scooter-like vehicle in which we did our sight-seeing. It has a built-in GPS which gives the information of all the famous sights and it was a great experience!
This is Tiago waiting in the passenger seat for me:

This is also me resting next to the beautiful tiled stairs in Barcelona:

Check it out!
http://www.gocartours.es/

I NEED SOME PEACE!

2009-10-18T05:35:00.000-07:00

I am freaking out! I want to procrastinate. I want to do everything but work. I need to type up my notes on Medieval Economic History and my attention span is about at a zero.

I am listening to Vivaldi's The Four Seasons- Summer. Favorite music ever.

xoxo.

colorblind.

2009-10-13T12:47:00.000-07:00

I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
Pull me out from inside
I am folded and unfolded and unfolding
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
I am ready
I am fine (

take me or leave me.

2009-10-07T13:24:00.000-07:00

Today was one of the most horrible days to date.

I don't want to live here.

2009-10-06T05:11:00.001-07:00

Maybe the third week of school is too early to be having a freak-out fest but oh well, because I am.

I hate when things happen unannounced. I hate when I can't do things the way that I want to do them (I mean as well as I know I can).

This sick perfectionism is killing me.

I accidentally had a late assignment because I completely forgot. This has never happened to me and it took all of my strength left not to cry.

2009-10-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

My latest obsession is leggings! If I could, I would live in them!

I'm exhausted, baby.

2009-09-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

1. I am the Deputy History Department Representative.
2. Carrying readers around makes my arms hurt.
3. I made a new friend today while sitting on a bench because I couldn't walk any further.

God, give me the energy I need. And everything else, too!

xoxo.

not really understanding...

2009-09-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

I know you don't listen to me
'Cause you say you see straight through me, don't you?

It really just hit me that things will never be the same again. My family will never be together again. I think maybe I don't really understand what this all means.

I remember listening to Coldplay driving in my car in California loving my independence. And now I don't want independence any more. It is very strange.

I feel very strange. So full of emotions but most of all, I feel confused.

Tryin' to make ends meet.

2009-09-19T13:52:00.000-07:00

Dearest,

I had one of the laziest days today and it makes me feel terrible. Tomorrow I am going running! I absolutely have to.

<3

2009-09-11T12:15:00.001-07:00

I hate love. And even worse, I hate being in love because it completely messes me up. After the disaster with Richie maybe I should have learned my lesson.

2009-09-11T02:45:00.001-07:00

I have the swine flu and it is very unpleasant.

2009-09-07T12:36:00.001-07:00

Q'tips have become cutie pies.
heeby jeebies have become itsy bitsy.

2009-09-05T08:13:00.000-07:00

The church bells are ringing and the sirens are wailing at the ame time.

live and learn.

2009-09-04T06:21:00.001-07:00

So much for trusting people, I guess. I do not know where to draw boundaries and it is really irritating me. I hate when people lie. I hate it more than anything. I mean, come on, why not tell the truth in the first place? I believe that the truth sets you free. It is stupid and dumb and immature and I wonder when I will learn my lesson. But I guess this is one of those things about life, right...you live and you learn.

I feel overwhelmed and it is quite unpleasant. I cannot wait for things to settle down and to feel like I have a home and I belong somewhere again. Hi graduate school!!!

xoxo.

I came back from Roma last week and this is my favorite picture. I have always wanted to feed the pigeons in Piazza San Pietro!

highway to hell/stairway to heaven.

2009-08-28T17:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,

It seems that the things I look forward to the most turn out the very worst.

xx.

"Only time."

2009-08-20T09:11:00.001-07:00

Order of business:
1. Happy Birthday, Justin!

2. I handed in my abstract for the conference and as per usual, my nerves are killing me. I really really want to present and the topic is so perfect. I hate that I get this nervous right after I sent it in. I just have to be patient and wait, I know, I know.
3. My Rome trip is almost here and I haven't done my itinerary yet! Or packed or anything!

xoxo.

2009-08-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

I'm in an excitable mood today. Right now everything seems possible.

Best dream last night ever.

xoxo.

2009-08-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

In my darkest moments, I don't really know what to do with myself.

I'll always look out for you.

2009-08-09T10:27:00.000-07:00

This was supposed to be the summer of me. The one time I can dedicate all of my time and energy to figuring out who I am. And doing it unabashedly because I want to feel life every second from now on.

"Did I drive you away?
I know what you'll say"
-Sparks by Coldplay

something, i'm not really sure.

2009-07-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

So, maybe I should make a list of some stuff.

1. Dear Berkeley, I don't care about Tele-BEARS appointments. I'm done. Maybe you weren't present at my graduation but I sure was. Not so fond of bureaucracy.

2. I really did discover the secret to life. Just get rid of all of the negativity in your life. This is gonna be a difficult one.

3. BE MYSELF.

4. BELIEVE IN MYSELF.

5. This really is it.

6. BE TRUE.

2009-07-29T08:37:00.000-07:00

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I love Trent Reznor.

2009-07-26T01:30:00.001-07:00

"Hurt"

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

tell me your secrets, ask me your questions,

2009-07-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

"Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on

Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're gone

Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on

Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on

You're here, there's nothing I fear
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on"

I see you in my dreams.

<3 love.

2009-07-19T02:44:00.001-07:00

"You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart and you take my breathe away."

E.R. and concussion.

2009-07-12T15:16:00.001-07:00

I hit my head on the stairs going down to the Metro on Friday and life has been rather unpleasant since then. Actually, that's a lie, it was rather unpleasant leading up to that event also. I don't understand why people insist on calling me spoiled when they have no effing clue what they are talking about.

selective hearing, perhaps?

2009-07-08T23:47:00.000-07:00

I am so tired of everyone's bullshit.

Magyarország.

2009-06-23T00:41:00.000-07:00

Dearest,

I graduated. I am not entirely sure what that means though. And I still need to finish some things... Even worse, I just applied to a Master's Program. I don't know what I was thinking. In all likelihood, I was not thinking. But honestly, I felt like I had to do it. I wish I would have majored in Women's Studies at Berkeley... watching Judith Butler speak inspired me more than I can even explain. I think what bothers me is that applying right now was not part of the original plan. Planning- I am not sure why I insist upon relying on strict structuring still. Life does not always work out the way that you planned it. If it had, I would be starting law school this fall already. I know I can still go to law school afterwards... it is just that it bothers me on some level. I want to know what I am doing but I do not have the faintest clue.

I am in Hungary finally! I missed it so much. I couldn't wait to come back. But my relationship with N has changed and I am not sure what to make of it. Her baby is very cute though!

PARIS.

2009-05-13T01:00:00.001-07:00

Seriously, isn't that what I always do? Nod my fucking head and say, "of course, I understand."

Of course I understood that you weren't ready to be a parent.
Of course I understood that you did the things you did.

Well, guess what? I'm done understanding and I'm just through.

Paris- I'm coming all by my lonesome self. And it's going to be amazing.

2009-04-28T08:08:00.001-07:00

I am in hyper-overdrive mode for the next few weeks.

I have to keep in mind that "THIS TOO SHALL PASS" otherwise I may just lose my mind. I can't sleep at night more than four or five hours because I am stressing out about what I have to do the next day.

Failure isn't an option.

2009-04-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

I love my new Jessica Simpson purse. It was probably the happiest day of the week when I got to unwrap it and take it to school with me. Suddenly, homework has become encased in a hip shell.

I haven't written in a real diary (no offense dear blog) in far too long and my mental sanity is really feeling it.

Spring Break was interesting but stressful also. At least I managed to revise my paper for the E.U. conference but other than that I didn't accomplish anything. So much for my grandiose plans of catching up.

How is it even remotely possible that I am graduating in a matter of weeks with an undergraduate degree? I am so behind in everything and life is just slow and rather painful. Seriously, though. Is this the end of Berkeley?

I can't even explain how scared I am that I am going to be homeless. Or without money and on welfare...oh wait, welfare probably doesn't exist anymore. And yes, I am aware that I began my note with a consumer good and have unraveled to destitution.

I want to watch Twilight and fall in love with the idea of love again. Diehard romantic is my true nature.

Did I make the right decision... I wish I could say yes but I'm not so sure anymore. A life is a life.

2009-03-07T15:45:00.000-08:00

Come up to meet you
Tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

What if this is all I have been waiting for? An apology? Reassurance that it had nothing to do with me.

I was lovely. Until you shattered it.

Just put it together. please.

Tracy Chapman.

2009-02-20T13:30:00.001-08:00

Dont you know
Theyre talkin bout a revolution
It sounds like a whisper
Dont you know
Theyre talkin about a revolution
It sounds like a whisper

While theyre standing in the welfare lines
Crying at the doorsteps of those armies of salvation
Wasting time in the unemployment lines
Sitting around waiting for a promotion

Poor people gonna rise up
And get their share
Poor people gonna rise up
And take whats theirs

Dont you know
You better run, run, run...
Oh I said you better
Run, run, run...

Finally the tables are starting to turn
Talkin bout a revolution

2009-02-12T07:19:00.000-08:00

I am an absolutely crazy obsessive person when it comes to organisation.
Why can't things be perfect?
WHYYYY

truly sad.

2009-01-15T22:45:00.001-08:00

Come up to meet you, tell you I’m sorry,
You don’t know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
Oh, lets go back to the start.
Running in circles, coming in tales,
Heads are a science apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No-one ever said it would be this hard,
Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures,
Pulling your puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress,
Do not speak as loud as my heart.

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me,
Oh and I rush to the start.
Running in circles, chasing tails,
And coming back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
oh its such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
No-one ever said it would be so hard.

Im going back to the start.

oh, ooooo,
ah, ooooo,
oh, ooooo,
oh, ooooo

I better be paid well in the future...

2009-01-14T23:22:00.000-08:00

The 2008-2009 school year ACADEMIC (read: tuition) costs $27,000.
Thank god I am graduating.

just wondering.

2009-01-14T20:04:00.000-08:00

Goddess
Love fulfilled
Centered
Singular

<3

love, love, love.

2009-01-14T00:30:00.000-08:00

Anthem of the year.

2009-01-12T17:03:00.000-08:00

Will those feet in modern times
Walk on soles that are made in China?
Feel the bright prosaic malls
In the corridors that go on and on and on

Are we blind - can we see?
We are one - incomplete
Are we blind - In the shade
Waiting for lightning - to be saved
Cause love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I'm singing again
Love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I'm singing again, again

Will those feet in modern times
Understand this world's affliction
Recognise the righteous anger
Understand this world's addiction?

I was blind - couldn't see
What was here in me
I was blind - insecure
I felt like the road was way too long, yeah
Cause love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I'm singing again
Love is noise and love is pain
Love is these blues that I'm singing again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I'm feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I'm singing again, again, again, again, again, again

Cause love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that you're feeling again
Love is noise, love is pain
Love is these blues that I'm singing again, again, again

Will those feet in modern times
Walk on soles made in China?
Will those feet in modern times
See the bright prosaic malls?
Will those feet in modern times
Recognise the heavy burden
Will those feet in modern times
Pardon me for my sins
Love is noise
Come on
-"Love is Noise" by the Verve

Two state solution.

2009-01-10T22:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Barack Obama,
Please don't just unilaterally support Israel because that is not CHANGE.
Sincerely,
me.

2009-01-09T23:14:00.000-08:00

I have such a terrible hacking cough that won't go away.

I miss reading for fun! I bought a few books and am currently reading The Caine Mutiny by Herman Wouk. I loved the Winds of War in junior high.

Returning to Berks on Sunday. We'll see how life goes...

Regrets.

2009-01-08T22:20:00.000-08:00

One word: Berkeley.
Two words: Political Science.

Three words: It is okay.

Regret is such a sad emotion. But I would have been happier at a small school in a different major. I hope that I make the right choice for graduate school. That's why taking a year off is so utterly important to me right now.

"Return to Innocence." -Enigma

2009-01-06T22:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Journal,
I haven't written for months and I never thought I would return to this blog but I'm here. And it is officially 2009. Time for resolutions, right?
Let me begin:
1. I resolve to not be late anymore.
2. I resolve to have my life be about me.
3. I resolve to meet new people and build new relationships.

Resolute and firm. It's nice to feel that way.

I'm still sad in a lot of ways but maybe things will become more clear? The passage of time might help me gain some much-needed clarity?

All I know for sure is that I am taking a year off from academia because I need to be free.

Freedom.

Free to be me.

sense.

2008-10-02T22:54:00.000-07:00

I think that there is something wrong with me. I trust people and am a good friend but in the end I am the one that gets screwed over. I'm kind of sick of this right now.
I can't wait to graduate and leave Berkeley.
I think I am going to the Peace Corps or moving to Budapest to work. I want to leave this life behind and start a new one.

"I belong to me."

2008-09-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Journal,
I had an emotional meltdown last night. I got scared that I'm never going to get into law school. Or that I'm going to fail this semester. Or that I'll never change certain things about myself. It was terrible.
I feel okay now.

sometimes you can't make it on your own.

2008-08-18T12:40:00.001-07:00

deconstructing gender binaries is only possible through discursive action. discourse solves.

p.s. certain people need to grow up.

2008-08-16T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm utterly horrified.
Summer is over and I haven't had a single break.
No pretty summery dresses worn.
No cute sandals.

ostensibly

2008-08-02T10:42:00.001-07:00

It has occurred to me of late that other people's emotional problems have nothing to do with me. And more importantly, I cannot take them personally because it is only a hindrance to me.

I have so much work to do for the LSAT. Oh god, logic games make me want to pretend that they really are games and hence; fun, right? No, they are ridiculous and quite annoying.

Philosophy final Monday. LSAT class today for four hours. And I need to make up the last class I missed.

Currently reading: The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I need to buy the SECOND SEX because I have never read the entire text before.

I WANT MY BIKE BACK. majorrrrrr grrrrr.

I cannot breathe until you're resting here with me.

2008-07-31T16:07:00.000-07:00

I'm moving to Paris and becoming a bartender.

Currently reading: Simone de Beauvoir's biography

2008-07-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

I am so excited, I have the idea for my research paper!

I don't wanna be your hero.

2008-07-10T13:56:00.001-07:00

Bad bad realization today: I can't keep everyone around me happy. I give up on trying to make things right. I have exerted so much damn energy on doing things the way that I thought I was supposed to. And what's happened? I end up unhappy and unfulfilled. That's ridiculous.
When someone who is worth my time enters my life I'm sure my attitude will change. Until then it's just me, the kitty I'm babysitting, and my textbooks.

love in japan.

2008-07-01T00:55:00.000-07:00

Darling Journal,
I am doing my very best to get on top of my GIGANTIC To Do List. When it has become manageable I am sure that I will feel lots better.
Time to do my paper.
xo.

"be my mirror, my sword, and my shield"- Coldplay.

2008-06-30T16:23:00.001-07:00

Darling Journal,
The highlight of my summer is coming up soon: THE COLDPLAY CONCERT! And I have a great new yellow dress and white shoes for the occasion. I don't care how superficial I just sounded there because literally it will be the best night of the my entire summer. I know it. I love Chris Martin and his songwriting.

I'm a control freak. This is quite the sad realization. Although I am sure some people could have told me this before. The signs were all there: Blackberry, obsessive To Do lists, but now it's official. If I don't feel in control I feel lost. So I just can't let go ever again. At least not until I have accomplished some things.

xo.

"bittersweet symphony"

2008-06-26T22:19:00.000-07:00

Hello love,
I am sorry to have fallen. But we all fall at some point in our lives. I think that I am finding the correct path now.

"I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next"
-"Bittersweet Symphony" The Verve

We discussed Hume's ideas of liberty today. My causal chain has been a little off but I must utilize my free will to its full extent. I can't make the claim for hard determinism because the idea of everything being preordained lessens us all to the level of mere chess pieces. That cannot be true. Soft determinism, I understand. Ideas can be such lonely companions but I think that my immersion inside my studies is necessary. My foray into the murky depths of love, romance, and relationships has been a tad too unsuccessful for my taste of late.

Not knowing what you want does that to you though. I am so inclined to describe being in love as a state of madness or at the very least, a low-grade mental illness. The things it does to you. Incredible. I suppose then that the question that remains is why I led myself straightaways into it? That is something my rationality cannot even begin to answer.

There is something so comforting in the fact that you can always be alone. Sex and the City has a great quote for this, Carrie writes, "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

I found this particular quote to be rather insightful on both a psychological and a philosophical level. As ridiculous as it seems to be quoting mainstream media there seems to be a rather implicit understanding that what she says is somewhat radical. Being alone at a certain age is scary. But I'm not entirely sure why it has to be. I treasure my independence. I really do. But for true love, I would give all of it up. Therein lies the inherent contradiction. Truly.

All I can do is be myself. Adherence to self. That's the goal.

xo.

Are you who you want to be?

2008-06-26T10:48:00.000-07:00

My dearest,
Sadness is merely fleeting. I see that now.

"This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have."
-Switchfoot "This is your life"

the forever kind of love.

2008-06-24T23:26:00.000-07:00

I notice the differences immediately. Your hair is long. I was the one who had suggested it. Perhaps not all of my suggestions were bad? All I wanted was for you to be happy. I promise. My love was not a selfish one. It still isn't.
Tears stream down my face.

"When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
-Coldplay "Fix You."

This crying; is it supposed to be cathartic? How many more days will be spent like this ignoring how I feel?

All I want is to hear your voice. Not the faccade you put up for me. The one where you feign your happiness. I never lost my connection to you. It is too strong. I would feel the loss keenly but I know we are still connected even if you refuse to admit it to yourself.

I wonder if you ever think about me? Or if you have simply erased the past because you don't want to remember? Perhaps you only remember the painful or sad moments. But I remember it all. I remember Vienna; I remember waking up in the morning in the same bed as you even though our hostel room had two beds. We squeezed into the small metal framed bed.

I remember sitting in the bathroom because I didn't want to face my dad. And you reassured me that I didn't have to. You told me that it was my decision. You were my hero. But you have always been my hero.

I know that I'm sensitive but so are you. I wish you would open yourself back up. Don't run. Because you will realize one day that running will never get you to where you want to be.

maybe.

2008-06-20T00:25:00.000-07:00

"You think that you are complicated, deep mystery to all
Well, it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special"
-Dido "See You When You're 40"

Darling Journal,
I am sorry.
I am sorry for turning out like you.
It's too bad.

i heart you.

2008-06-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

"People leaving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don’t you wanna just curve away
And it’s such
It’s such a perfect day
It’s such a perfect day"
-Coldplay "Strawberry Swing"

Darling Journal,
Perhaps I learned something new today. Or it was something that was implicit and I just now realized it. Either way, the act of realization was an incredibly important one.

My List: 1. Finish my paper comparing Descartes' dualism with Spinoza's monism.

love.

wild child.

2008-06-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

Darling Journal,
I was just being nostalgic today and remembering Summer 2006; the craziest three months of my life. I learned what life was again. I miss those days. The happiest days that I could have imagined.
xoxo.

"World, hold on." -Bob Sinclair

2008-06-14T02:37:00.001-07:00

Darling Journal,

My return was a necessary one. Necessary for the life force that managed to reside within me throughout the emotional drought. The tunnel seems insurmountably long and suffocating when you just want to reach the end. But of course, being retrospective seems to be the only route that will give me a logical conclusion or answer.
I am incredibly relieved to have completed my first semester at Berkeley. Next year I graduate and I'm not sure where the road leads after; to law school, to grad school, or to the Peace Corps? Or to something entirely different? And for the first time in a long time, the elusive knowledge of the future isn't something that concerns me overly. Being here in this particular moment is all that is necessary sometimes. The necessity of the now has struck me over the head. It is obvious. All of Eastern philosophy dictates this.

Really, I did know all along though.

xoxo.