sense.

I think that there is something wrong with me. I trust people and am a good friend but in the end I am the one that gets screwed over. I'm kind of sick of this right now.
I can't wait to graduate and leave Berkeley.
I think I am going to the Peace Corps or moving to Budapest to work. I want to leave this life behind and start a new one.

"I belong to me."

Dear Journal,
I had an emotional meltdown last night. I got scared that I'm never going to get into law school. Or that I'm going to fail this semester. Or that I'll never change certain things about myself. It was terrible.
I feel okay now.

sometimes you can't make it on your own.

deconstructing gender binaries is only possible through discursive action. discourse solves.

p.s. certain people need to grow up.

I'm utterly horrified.
Summer is over and I haven't had a single break.
No pretty summery dresses worn.
No cute sandals.

ostensibly

It has occurred to me of late that other people's emotional problems have nothing to do with me. And more importantly, I cannot take them personally because it is only a hindrance to me.

I have so much work to do for the LSAT. Oh god, logic games make me want to pretend that they really are games and hence; fun, right? No, they are ridiculous and quite annoying.

Philosophy final Monday. LSAT class today for four hours. And I need to make up the last class I missed.

Currently reading: The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I need to buy the SECOND SEX because I have never read the entire text before.

I WANT MY BIKE BACK. majorrrrrr grrrrr.

I cannot breathe until you're resting here with me.

I'm moving to Paris and becoming a bartender.

Currently reading: Simone de Beauvoir's biography

I am so excited, I have the idea for my research paper!

I don't wanna be your hero.

Bad bad realization today: I can't keep everyone around me happy. I give up on trying to make things right. I have exerted so much damn energy on doing things the way that I thought I was supposed to. And what's happened? I end up unhappy and unfulfilled. That's ridiculous.
When someone who is worth my time enters my life I'm sure my attitude will change. Until then it's just me, the kitty I'm babysitting, and my textbooks.

love in japan.

Darling Journal,
I am doing my very best to get on top of my GIGANTIC To Do List. When it has become manageable I am sure that I will feel lots better.
Time to do my paper.
xo.

"be my mirror, my sword, and my shield"- Coldplay.

Darling Journal,
The highlight of my summer is coming up soon: THE COLDPLAY CONCERT! And I have a great new yellow dress and white shoes for the occasion. I don't care how superficial I just sounded there because literally it will be the best night of the my entire summer. I know it. I love Chris Martin and his songwriting.

I'm a control freak. This is quite the sad realization. Although I am sure some people could have told me this before. The signs were all there: Blackberry, obsessive To Do lists, but now it's official. If I don't feel in control I feel lost. So I just can't let go ever again. At least not until I have accomplished some things.

xo.

"bittersweet symphony"

Hello love,
I am sorry to have fallen. But we all fall at some point in our lives. I think that I am finding the correct path now.

"I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next"
-"Bittersweet Symphony" The Verve

We discussed Hume's ideas of liberty today. My causal chain has been a little off but I must utilize my free will to its full extent. I can't make the claim for hard determinism because the idea of everything being preordained lessens us all to the level of mere chess pieces. That cannot be true. Soft determinism, I understand. Ideas can be such lonely companions but I think that my immersion inside my studies is necessary. My foray into the murky depths of love, romance, and relationships has been a tad too unsuccessful for my taste of late.

Not knowing what you want does that to you though. I am so inclined to describe being in love as a state of madness or at the very least, a low-grade mental illness. The things it does to you. Incredible. I suppose then that the question that remains is why I led myself straightaways into it? That is something my rationality cannot even begin to answer.

There is something so comforting in the fact that you can always be alone. Sex and the City has a great quote for this, Carrie writes, "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

I found this particular quote to be rather insightful on both a psychological and a philosophical level. As ridiculous as it seems to be quoting mainstream media there seems to be a rather implicit understanding that what she says is somewhat radical. Being alone at a certain age is scary. But I'm not entirely sure why it has to be. I treasure my independence. I really do. But for true love, I would give all of it up. Therein lies the inherent contradiction. Truly.


All I can do is be myself. Adherence to self. That's the goal.

xo.

Are you who you want to be?

My dearest,
Sadness is merely fleeting. I see that now.

"This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have."
-Switchfoot "This is your life"

the forever kind of love.

I notice the differences immediately. Your hair is long. I was the one who had suggested it. Perhaps not all of my suggestions were bad? All I wanted was for you to be happy. I promise. My love was not a selfish one. It still isn't.
Tears stream down my face.

"When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
-Coldplay "Fix You."

This crying; is it supposed to be cathartic? How many more days will be spent like this ignoring how I feel?

All I want is to hear your voice. Not the faccade you put up for me. The one where you feign your happiness. I never lost my connection to you. It is too strong. I would feel the loss keenly but I know we are still connected even if you refuse to admit it to yourself.

I wonder if you ever think about me? Or if you have simply erased the past because you don't want to remember? Perhaps you only remember the painful or sad moments. But I remember it all. I remember Vienna; I remember waking up in the morning in the same bed as you even though our hostel room had two beds. We squeezed into the small metal framed bed.

I remember sitting in the bathroom because I didn't want to face my dad. And you reassured me that I didn't have to. You told me that it was my decision. You were my hero. But you have always been my hero.

I know that I'm sensitive but so are you. I wish you would open yourself back up. Don't run. Because you will realize one day that running will never get you to where you want to be.

maybe.

"You think that you are complicated, deep mystery to all
Well, it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special"
-Dido "See You When You're 40"

Darling Journal,
I am sorry.
I am sorry for turning out like you.
It's too bad.

i heart you.

"People leaving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don’t you wanna just curve away
And it’s such
It’s such a perfect day
It’s such a perfect day"
-Coldplay "Strawberry Swing"

Darling Journal,
Perhaps I learned something new today. Or it was something that was implicit and I just now realized it. Either way, the act of realization was an incredibly important one.

My List: 1. Finish my paper comparing Descartes' dualism with Spinoza's monism.

love.

wild child.

Darling Journal,
I was just being nostalgic today and remembering Summer 2006; the craziest three months of my life. I learned what life was again. I miss those days. The happiest days that I could have imagined.
xoxo.

"World, hold on." -Bob Sinclair

Darling Journal,

My return was a necessary one. Necessary for the life force that managed to reside within me throughout the emotional drought. The tunnel seems insurmountably long and suffocating when you just want to reach the end. But of course, being retrospective seems to be the only route that will give me a logical conclusion or answer.
I am incredibly relieved to have completed my first semester at Berkeley. Next year I graduate and I'm not sure where the road leads after; to law school, to grad school, or to the Peace Corps? Or to something entirely different? And for the first time in a long time, the elusive knowledge of the future isn't something that concerns me overly. Being here in this particular moment is all that is necessary sometimes. The necessity of the now has struck me over the head. It is obvious. All of Eastern philosophy dictates this.

Really, I did know all along though.

xoxo.