Monday, June 30, 2008

"be my mirror, my sword, and my shield"- Coldplay.

Darling Journal,
The highlight of my summer is coming up soon: THE COLDPLAY CONCERT! And I have a great new yellow dress and white shoes for the occasion. I don't care how superficial I just sounded there because literally it will be the best night of the my entire summer. I know it. I love Chris Martin and his songwriting.

I'm a control freak. This is quite the sad realization. Although I am sure some people could have told me this before. The signs were all there: Blackberry, obsessive To Do lists, but now it's official. If I don't feel in control I feel lost. So I just can't let go ever again. At least not until I have accomplished some things.


Thursday, June 26, 2008

"bittersweet symphony"

Hello love,
I am sorry to have fallen. But we all fall at some point in our lives. I think that I am finding the correct path now.

"I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next"
-"Bittersweet Symphony" The Verve

We discussed Hume's ideas of liberty today. My causal chain has been a little off but I must utilize my free will to its full extent. I can't make the claim for hard determinism because the idea of everything being preordained lessens us all to the level of mere chess pieces. That cannot be true. Soft determinism, I understand. Ideas can be such lonely companions but I think that my immersion inside my studies is necessary. My foray into the murky depths of love, romance, and relationships has been a tad too unsuccessful for my taste of late.

Not knowing what you want does that to you though. I am so inclined to describe being in love as a state of madness or at the very least, a low-grade mental illness. The things it does to you. Incredible. I suppose then that the question that remains is why I led myself straightaways into it? That is something my rationality cannot even begin to answer.

There is something so comforting in the fact that you can always be alone. Sex and the City has a great quote for this, Carrie writes, "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

I found this particular quote to be rather insightful on both a psychological and a philosophical level. As ridiculous as it seems to be quoting mainstream media there seems to be a rather implicit understanding that what she says is somewhat radical. Being alone at a certain age is scary. But I'm not entirely sure why it has to be. I treasure my independence. I really do. But for true love, I would give all of it up. Therein lies the inherent contradiction. Truly.

All I can do is be myself. Adherence to self. That's the goal.


Are you who you want to be?

My dearest,
Sadness is merely fleeting. I see that now.

"This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have."
-Switchfoot "This is your life"

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

the forever kind of love.

I notice the differences immediately. Your hair is long. I was the one who had suggested it. Perhaps not all of my suggestions were bad? All I wanted was for you to be happy. I promise. My love was not a selfish one. It still isn't.
Tears stream down my face.

"When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?"
-Coldplay "Fix You."

This crying; is it supposed to be cathartic? How many more days will be spent like this ignoring how I feel?

All I want is to hear your voice. Not the faccade you put up for me. The one where you feign your happiness. I never lost my connection to you. It is too strong. I would feel the loss keenly but I know we are still connected even if you refuse to admit it to yourself.

I wonder if you ever think about me? Or if you have simply erased the past because you don't want to remember? Perhaps you only remember the painful or sad moments. But I remember it all. I remember Vienna; I remember waking up in the morning in the same bed as you even though our hostel room had two beds. We squeezed into the small metal framed bed.

I remember sitting in the bathroom because I didn't want to face my dad. And you reassured me that I didn't have to. You told me that it was my decision. You were my hero. But you have always been my hero.

I know that I'm sensitive but so are you. I wish you would open yourself back up. Don't run. Because you will realize one day that running will never get you to where you want to be.

Friday, June 20, 2008


"You think that you are complicated, deep mystery to all
Well, it's taken me a while to see, you're not so special"
-Dido "See You When You're 40"

Darling Journal,
I am sorry.
I am sorry for turning out like you.
It's too bad.

Monday, June 16, 2008

i heart you.

"People leaving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don’t you wanna just curve away
And it’s such
It’s such a perfect day
It’s such a perfect day"
-Coldplay "Strawberry Swing"

Darling Journal,
Perhaps I learned something new today. Or it was something that was implicit and I just now realized it. Either way, the act of realization was an incredibly important one.

My List: 1. Finish my paper comparing Descartes' dualism with Spinoza's monism.


Sunday, June 15, 2008

wild child.

Darling Journal,
I was just being nostalgic today and remembering Summer 2006; the craziest three months of my life. I learned what life was again. I miss those days. The happiest days that I could have imagined.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

"World, hold on." -Bob Sinclair

Darling Journal,

My return was a necessary one. Necessary for the life force that managed to reside within me throughout the emotional drought. The tunnel seems insurmountably long and suffocating when you just want to reach the end. But of course, being retrospective seems to be the only route that will give me a logical conclusion or answer.
I am incredibly relieved to have completed my first semester at Berkeley. Next year I graduate and I'm not sure where the road leads after; to law school, to grad school, or to the Peace Corps? Or to something entirely different? And for the first time in a long time, the elusive knowledge of the future isn't something that concerns me overly. Being here in this particular moment is all that is necessary sometimes. The necessity of the now has struck me over the head. It is obvious. All of Eastern philosophy dictates this.

Really, I did know all along though.